Jokes

Blonde Builders
 

Two blonde builders were working on a house. One blonde was on a ladder nailing. She’d reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood.The other blonde couldn’t stand it any longer and yelled up, “Why are you throwing some of the nails away?”The first blonde explained, “When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it’s pointed toward me I throw it away. If it’s pointed toward the house, then I can use it!”The second blonde got real excited and called her all kinds of names, explaining, “Don’t throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They’re for the other side of the house!!”

Exact Words

The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on his house. “You did a great job.” he said and handed the man a check. “Also, in order to thank-you, here’s an extra $80 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie.” Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter. Thinking the painter had forgotten something the man asked, “What’s the matter, did you forget something?” “Nope.” replied the painter. “I’m just here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked.”

Her Clean Floor

While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning.
I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom.
With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly scrubbed floors.
“Just a minute,” I said, thinking of a quick solution.
“I’ll put down newspapers.”
“That’s all right, lady,” he responded. “I’m already trained.”

Window Payments

A window salesman phoned a customer. “Hello, Mr. Brown,” said the Sales Rep, “I’m calling because our company replaced all the windows in your house with our triple-glazed weather-tight windows over a year ago, and you still haven’t sent us a single payment.” The customer replied, “But you said they’d pay for THEMSELVES in 12 months.”

Construction Workers Understand

Four surgeons are discussing who makes the best type of surgery patient.
    
The first surgeon says, “I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”     

The second responds, “Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.”
    
The third surgeon says, “No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”
    
The fourth surgeon chimes in: “You know, I like construction workers ~ they seem to understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would.”

He Makes His Own Lunchs

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, “Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I’m going to jump  off  this building.”The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, “Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I’m going to jump off this building too.” The blonde guy opened his lunch and said, “Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I’m jumping too.”The next day, the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death.  The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too.  The blonde guy opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also.At the funeral The Irishman’s wife is weeping. She says, “If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again! The Mexican’s wife also weeps and says, “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.”Everyone turned and stared at the blonde guy’s wife.”Hey, don’t look at me” she said. “He made his own lunches!” 

Death Row

A chemist, a biologist and an electrical engineer were on death rowwaiting to go in the electric chair.  The chemist wasbrought forward first. “Do you have anything you want to say?” asked the executioner, strapping him in.”No,” replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch and nothing happened. Under State law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner is to be released, so the chemist was released. Then the biologist was brought forward. “Do you haveanything you want to say?” “No, just get on with it.” The executioner flicked the switch, and again nothing happened, so the biologist was released.Then the electrical engineer was brought forward. “Do you have anything you want to say?” asked the executioner. “Yes,” replied the engineer. “If you swap the red and the blue wires over, you might make this thing work.”

Green Side Up

A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in to help her.  They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants.  She says, “Now, in the living room, I’d like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm.”The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells, “Green side up!”The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide.  They wander into the next room.  She says, “In the dining room I’d like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy.”  The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells “Green side up”! The woman is even more perplexed but still lets it slide. They wander further into the next room.  She says, “In the bedroom, I’d like blue.  Restful, peaceful, cool blue.”The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then once more he goes to the window, leans out and yells “Green side up”! This is too much.  The woman has to ask.  So she says, “Every time I tell you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window ‘Green side up.’  What on earth does that mean?” The contractor shakes his head and says, “I have four blondes laying across the street.”

Why don’t programmers build houses?

 If builders built buildings the way programers wrote programs
the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.

Strong Man on the Job

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could
out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one
of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
“Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is,” he said.
“I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to
that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.”
“You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied. “Let’s see what you got.”
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “All right, Get in.”

Unprepared Highway Crew

One morning a local highway department crew reached their job-site
and realized they had forgotten all their shovels. The crew’s foreman radioed
the office and told his supervisor of the situation. The supervisor radioed back and said,
“Don’t worry, we’ll send some shovels … just lean on each other until they arrive.”

Applying In Person

A carpenter walks onto a job site of a large company and hands the foreman his application.
The foreman begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job
he has ever held. “I must say,” says the foreman, “your work history is terrible.
You’ve been fired from every job.” “Yes,” says the carpenter. “Well,” continues the foreman,
“there’s not much positive in that.” “Hey!” says the guy as he pokes the application. “At least I’m not a quitter.”

Got Shingles

A man walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
He replied, “I got shingles.” She said, “Fill out this form and supply your name, address,
medical insurance number. When you’re done, please take a seat.”
Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked him what he had.
He said, “I got shingles.” So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history,
then said, “Change into this gown and wait in the examining room.”
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, “I got shingles.”
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, “Shingles.”
The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said, “I just checked you out thoroughly,
and I can’t find shingles anywhere.” The man replied, “They’re outside in the truck. Where do you want them?”

Sawmill Time

Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone operator in a small
Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time.
One day the operator summed up nerve enough to ask him why the regularity.
“I’m foreman of the local sawmill,” he explained. “Every day I have to blow the
whistle at noon so I call you to get the exact time.” The operator giggled,
“That’s really funny,” she said. “All this time we’ve been setting our clock by your whistle.”

An Extra Bonus

The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on his house.
“You did a great job.” he said and handed the man a check.
“Also, in order to thank-you, here’s an extra $80 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie.”
Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter.
Thinking the man had forgotten something he asked, “What’s the matter, did you forget something?”
“Nope.” replied the painter. “I’m just here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked.”

Johnny wants to be a builder 

Did you hear about little Johnny? He is four years old. He was bugging Mother so she said, “Johnny, why don’t you go across the street and watch the builders work. Maybe you’ll learn something.”

Johnny was gone about 2 hours. When he came home his Mother asked him what he learned.

Johnny replied, “Well, first you put the God damn door up, then the son of a bitch doesn’t fit, so you have to take the cock sucker back down. Then you have to take a cunt hair off each side and put the Mother fucker back up.

“Johnny’s Mother said, “you wait til your Dad comes home.”

When Johnny’s dad got home, mom told him to ask Johnny what he learned across the street.

Johnny told his dad the whole story.

Dad said, “Johnny, you go outside and get the switch.”

Johnny replied, “Fuck you, that’s the Electrician’s job.”

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